The Maxims of Manhood by Jeff Wilser

This is an outstanding book (for guys). It’s so funny and so true, I think the rules apply to the real world. Here are my favorite rules/maxims.

#1. Tip well – Proper tipping shows that you are worldly, and you’re not a tight ass.

#2. You only recognize primary colors – Man can only register red, green, blue, black and white.

#3. Know how to give a compliment – Many don’t have it in themselves to compliment others. Real men know how to issue a compliment without kissing ass.

#4. Never say “blossom” – Or “lovely”, “handsome”, “delightful”, “super”.

#5. Keep an empty urinal between you and the next guy

#6. Do not overpack – It violates the principle of not giving a shit.

#7. Outperform the GPS – Relying on the GPS breeds complacency, laziness.

#8. Use the diaper bag only for diapers

#9. Celebrate birthdays like you celebrate Tuesday – Unless it’s your 21st or your girlfriend’s birthday.

#10. Never take sides against the family – Your family is the best family in the world and the best family in history.

#11. Never switch your favorite team – It’s like betraying your core principles

#13. Shun networking guy – When you go watch a game, you must go to watch a game. You’re not there to woo your clients or lather your boss.

#17. Make your son a lefty – It is advantageous in any sport.

#18. You’re immune to cold – Unless you’re actually suffering from frostbite.

#19. No granny shots – If even Shaq doesn’t do it (his free throw percentage is somewhere around 50%, which is AWFUL), neither should you.

#21. Use every four-letter word but one

#22. End the call first – The key is intent. You mustn’t be the blabberer.

#23. Fear commitment – Why make a lifelong commitment based on a feeling of caprice? People change. You change.

#24. She must be at least half your age, plus seven – Only applies to you if you’re over 16.

#26. Never ask for her number – Never give her the chance to say no. There’s a better way.

#27. Always hold the door – Light the cigarette, hail her cab, help her with her coat, carry her heavy objects. It’s about chivalry.

#28. Go for RBIs, not batting average – The key to meeting women is not giving a shit. You need to be loose, fearless, unsaddled by expectations.

#30. Don’t take things slow – Guys never want to take things slow.

#32. Count proteins, not calories – Counting calories is for girls. You’re not even sure that calories exist, actually.

#35. Order food that’s simpler, larger, and fattier than the girl’s

#36. You don’t trust this “yoga”

#37. No straws, cherries, or umbrellas – You should also avoid drinking out of a straw as often as possible, unless it’s McDonalds.

#40. Properly order steak – And never ever order it well-done

#43. No baths – When you take a bath, you literally wallow in your own filth.

#44. Only wear sunglasses when it’s sunny

#45. Have the guts to wear pink – It means you’re bold and confident

#48. Dress your age – No Hawaiian shirts, no hipster belts, no saggy jeans, no ironic t-shirts (we get it)

#52. Manage time without a time management system

#55. Never volunteer to take notes

#56. Kick up, kiss down – You may never kiss ass of anyone above you on the company org chart. Your subordinates, however, you treat like gold.

#59. No buzzwords – Use real words that have real meanings, not a verbal diarrhea of corporate gobbledygook.

#62. Your favorite book may not be The Da Vinci Code – Or books by Tom Clancy, Steven King or Robert Ludlum. Real men read real books.

#63. Know how to chug a beer. Know not to

#64. You never cry. Ever. – What separates men from women and toddlers is the ability to keep our inside feelings where they belong – the inside. Kleenex tissues may only be used for two bodily fluids: one’s mucus and the other isn’t tears.

#65. Control the world with technology – You like gadgets. You can rewire speakers. You can set up Wi-Fi.

#66. You see eye to eye with Jack Bauer

#68. No chitchatting at the movies – Like most of life, movies are meant to be enjoyed in silence.

#71. You can handle silence – The mark of a great friendship is the ability to treat your friend like a total stranger. Silence means confidence, self-assurance. It signals mutual respect.

#72. Never ask another man how you look

#78. Cockblock and die – If your buddy’s flirting with the blonde at the bar, it’s obviously unacceptable for you to hijack the conversation.

#86. First date is always drinks

#87. Being considerate doesn’t make you a wimp – It’s okay to keep her company for Project Runway or watch some Kate Hudson flick. In the sixth-most-carnage-soaked “guy movie” of all time, Mel Gibson spends his entire life clinging to a girl’s flower. Is William Wallace a pussy?

#97. Pain? What pain? – If we cop to pain, then we concede our own fallibility. We’re equally unfazed by emotional pain. It’s better to bury that pain inside, bottle it up, and then unleash our fury when it’s least expected and most unwarranted.

#100. Never blindly follow rules or maxims – “Themes” to being a real man include integrity, fidelity to friends and family, valuing substance over style, self-confidence, self-improvement.

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